Jordan Schreuder

Dealing with Conflict

The most recent conflict that comes to mind, though life is riddled with similar strifes, is an ongoing issue with my sister. For some time now she has felt like the black sheep of the family. Though everyone in my family has at least a bachelor degree, she felt like she had to work much harder for hers, and she often feels insecure and inadequate when compared to myself and my older brother. She has a point, and things have always come easier to me. Worse, this insecurity is coupled with her feeling like we judge her life and her current boyfriend because she chooses to enjoy the simple things in life, and because he did not get a degree.

Of couse, I don't really care about the degree all that much, and anyone who has heard me rant recently about the state of education in this country knows just how much of a sham I think college is, but that is beside the point.

Recently, this conflict that has been roiling beneath the surface for some time now came to a boiling point over a facebook post of all things. She posted something that in my mind was narrow minded and ignorant and I merely disagreed with her in a comment along with others. She took it quite personally and everything that had been beneath the surface erupted into a big argument.

To boot, she is about to make an offer on a house with her boyfriend, and everyone in my family thinks that this is an unwise financial decision given her age, non-marital status, and the house itself which needs a lot of work.

I have certainly not said anything to her that she has not already heard from my other brother and from my parents, but for some reason she took it especially personally coming from me, and I have not been able to understand why

I had experienced a similar fallout with my brother years back when he went off to college and we drifted apart. I felt like he no longer cared about my life and I built up a lot of resentment over the years. He was always a very accomplished person and when he went off to West Point I felt like everyone in my family fawned over him at family gatherings. I let it build and build until it came to a head and we had a good talk. With time, I came to see that moving out caused him to move on and get busy with life. It was not intentional, it was just part of moving out and going to school. I also learned to deal with my own fears of inadequacy which were really at the heart of the matter.

Thus I really can see where my sister is coming from in some sense, but I had hoped that given time she would come to the same conclusions that I came to when I was in her shoes. Letting it go for a year or so however, was probably not a good idea, because it came to light that she feels I don't support her enough. IN some small way, she has a point, and I am trying to be more positive in my interactions with her so that when I disagree with her it doesn't seem so much like an attack.

I guess I am still torn on this issue, I feel like only time and space will fully heal this one because I think she has some growing up to do when it comes to how she deals with emotional conflict. She becomes quite irrational when angry and stubbornly refuses to ever admit being wrong. Even when calm I feel like this is mostly coming from a displaced sense of insecurity that I don't know how to help her get rid of.

Honestly if I could go back and change anything I am not sure that I would. I still don't know how to fix this particular conflict because I honestly don't know what is causing it. Sometimes I feel as if she wants me to see things the way she does because she cannot accept that someone might think differently. I have nothing against her choosing the simple, small town life, because it is her life to live. That does mean that its harder for her and I to see things eye to eye, and this becomes a problem when we spend time together. I would rather discuss life and politics and books than baseball and nascar and somehow that makes me an arrogant person in her eyes.

I think the compass of shame is probably legitimate for certain people, but I honestly can't place myself on there. Maybe someone who has known me for a while could, and I suppose anyone reading this blog might think that I am in the "attack others" category because I essentially said that not much of this is conflict with my sister is my fault, but I disagree. I can identify various conflicts in my life where I have tried each of those methods of coping with pain. I have experienced immense periods of self-loathing and regret that could be considered attack self. I have found myself in arguments attacking others and putting them down to somehow feel better about myself. I have run from my issues and isolated myself from the world and I have abused alcohol and drugs before in an attempt to dull my senses so as not to think.

I guess I would have to do more research on the topic, but I do feel like the compass of shame in my experience is more heavily based on situations than on the person. Then again, I suppose this too might vary, and some might fall into more extremes than myself.